Vindicated
by gleechild
Summary: Oneshot. Thoughts from Chuck's POV leading up to School Lies.


Inspired by the song "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional

Inspired by the youtube video by Fallen Heart: www youtube dot com slash watch?v equal sign 8WZbPXCV4so

(URLs won't post here. See author note on my profile page for the link.)

* * *

He watched her walk away holding the key in her hand. It was an odd exchange to be sure. Blair had made it clear since he first instigated the whole blackmail scheme that she despised him.

They both knew that Serena used that key to open the pool. But there were people at this party who didn't know that—people at this party who could see him with that key and decide to tattle. He didn't care of course. He was untouchable. Money is power after all.

But the fact that her first reaction upon seeing him with the key was to snatch it from him and go hide it, indicated something that would have made him almost happy—if that feeling hadn't left him long ago.

Happiness was hard to find these days. He never had it before. His life was all about rejection and disappointment. The stuck up rich society girls like Blair never gave him a chance. And the ones that did were as bad as the whores he paid to sleep with him. It had never really bothered him—that they were whores. He just saw them as another conquest, another notch on his bed post.

And his victims…well that was a little different. He enjoyed introducing the little naïve twits to the real world. If not him, someone else would do it. They were stupid and useless, just like most women, and he found the greatest pleasure in toying with them.

Until Victrola he'd been secure in his world. The exchange with his father had taken him on a roller coaster of emotion that he despised. For the first time in a long time he had been excited about something. He had an idea that he was sure would knock the socks off dear ole' dad. He knew how much of a disappointment he was to his father. Bart never tired of letting him know.

Just thinking about the dressing down his father had given him over his black eye at the brunch months back made him want to give Dan Humphrey a matching one right now as the loser came up to him to confront him about the key.

But he reigned himself in and went through the motions of threatening the boy and making him aware of exactly how little power he had due to his lack of money.

As Dan walked away looking a little floored, Chuck just smirked to himself and returned to his thoughts.

The disappointment had been more acute than usual when his father showed his disapproval of his Victrola idea. He had always found pleasure at the bottom of a bottle of scotch and that night was no exception. He had followed up his less than graceful exit from The Palace bar by wielding his power of manipulation into divesting his father of the one thing the old man seemed to enjoy most lately: Lily.

That had become a small mess, especially after his father paid him a surprise visit at Victrola that night and actually apologized to him. Chuck had actually felt some small shred of hope that he'd done something right in his father's eyes before he realized the ramifications of his encounter with Lily.

And though his father knew that what Chuck said was right about Lily believing him, he was still disappointed—once again—that Chuck had sabotaged his relationship.

His father was still going to back Victrola though, and that made that small shred of hope in Chuck linger—dangling by a thread.

Then Blair happened. He never saw it coming.

In one night he'd managed to gain some small approval from his father and the joy—yes, joy, not just pleasure—of Blair Waldorf's company.

He'd always seen a lot of his father in Blair. It sounded kind of odd when he thought it, but it was the truth. Both Bart and Blair accepted him in their lives for all his flaws—and he knew he was flawed. First Blair was proud of him then Bart was. He'd actually felt proud of _himself_.

Then Blair had given herself to him. The perfect high society girl with straight A's, great aspirations for the future, everyone looking to her for guidance, protector of her virtue, grand schemer comparable only to himself…had kissed him. He thought it was too good to be true. What could a girl like her possibly see in him?

But she'd wanted it. She'd wanted him. She let him kiss her, touch her everywhere, lay her down…she'd let him inside of her. He was the first, her first, and whereas so many times before it hadn't mattered to him at all—this one time he felt cherished while he was treasuring her.

Talk about the perfect night.

For the first time in his life he felt true happiness. That was what she had given him with her virginity. She had made him feel so many things at once: happiness, joy, pride. These feelings were alien to him. It made him act uncharacteristically. He found himself buying presents to bestow on her and babbling his feelings. He'd always been truthful with her, why stop now?

And with one last betrayal by Nate, she'd succumbed to him. She'd accepted his present and stopped pushing him away. He knew it wouldn't be easy convincing her that he was worthy of more than just that one night—but she was Blair Waldorf. Nothing about her would ever be easy.

And he reached for that shiny hope dangling in front of him. It shined and sparkled and he couldn't resist this time. She mesmerized him, hypnotized him, captivated him…and he was never going to be the same.

He should have known better. He was Chuck Bass. He didn't deserve happiness. He didn't deserve this precious time with Blair. He knew it, and still he reached for it. He tried to touch something that could never be his.

She would never be wholly his. He knew it all along, but he still denied it. He continued to deny it through his conversation with Nate when Nate finally realized what he was missing with Blair.

He could no longer deny it when she accepted Nate's invitation to escort her to the ball.

Things were starting to spiral out of his control and he was too deep to swim against the current. He was too far gone to go back to shore and pretend like none of this had ever happened.

That was his only defense for what he did. He concocted a grand scheme to have her in his arms at the ball—his, and only his. She was supposed to be his now. He didn't understand this need he had for her, but he couldn't let her go.

And he knew it all along…he _swore_ he knew it all along, that being with him was not her intention. Somewhere in the back of his mind he'd _known_. And he _still_ denied it until it was shoved down his throat. Until he walked up a flight of stairs and saw the dangling string snap in front of his face. His hope dashed in the wake of her turning her back on him.

She wanted _him_. She'd always wanted Nate. It didn't matter that he didn't deserve her. It didn't matter that he hurt her over and over. None of it mattered to her in this instance. All that mattered to her was that Nate wanted her _now_. She tossed everything she had with Chuck away and went willingly into the arms of her first and—he finally admitted it to himself—only love.

He could do nothing but watch as all his hopes were dashed. The newfound joy, happiness, and pride were gone now. He was truly worthless in the eyes of his father and in the eyes of Blair. How could he be so stupid as to forget that?

He didn't like being played a fool.

He was Chuck Bass.

He was selfish.

He took as he pleased.

He stirred up trouble whenever he saw the opportunity.

And he felt completely vindicated in his latest blackmail scheme.

There were times, like when her eyes shot daggers at him—as they did now as he confronted her about the kiss she shared with Nate at the pool—that he felt almost like he was wrong. But then he'd remember and he knew he was right.

He swore to himself again and again that he was right!

He blackmailed Blair into showing Nate absolutely no affection. He hoped that Nate would eventually lose interest and then Blair would be all alone once again.

Then maybe she'd feel the isolation he'd felt standing at the top of the stairs, staring at her wearing his necklace and _Nate's_ ring. His necklace was more expensive and meant more than that little ruby could ever possibly. But that didn't matter to her.

That was Chuck's motivation. To make her see that Nate didn't love her enough. To have Nate finally turn from her because it appeared that she couldn't forgive him. Then maybe, just maybe, she'd realize why Chuck had done this to her.

He was trying to swim here, trying to recover from the blow she'd dealt him, trying to find happiness again. Apparently once you had it, it became one of those things you needed back. Maybe it was another one of those hopeless endeavors he sent himself on, but for now…this was the plan.

Maybe one day his stomach would stop turning over at the sight of his best friend with the only woman to ever make him feel special. Maybe one day he'd learn to swim against the current dragging him further and further out, drowning him slowly.

One day…

Maybe…

But until then, he felt vindicated for his actions. Certain that he was right. Free from guilt. He had a claim on her, and it wasn't going away any time soon—as her odd protection of him by snatching that key had shown. This wasn't over. Not by a long shot.

* * *

Hope dangles on a string  
Like slow spinning redemption  
Winding in and winding out  
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in  
So, mesmerizing,so hypnotizing,  
I am captivated,I am

Vindicated  
I am selfish  
I am wrong  
I am right  
I swear I'm right  
Swear I knew it all along  
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well  
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear  
Like the diamond in your ring  
Cut to mirror your intention  
Oversized and overwhelmed  
The shine of which has caught my eye  
And rendered me  
So isolated, so motivated  
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated  
I am selfish  
I am wrong  
I am right  
I swear I'm right  
Swear I knew it all along  
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well  
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So turn  
up the corners of your lips  
Part them and feel my finger tips  
Trace the moment fall forever

Defense is paper thin  
Just one touch and I'll be in  
Too deep now to ever swim against the current  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip against the current  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip away

Vindicated  
I am selfish  
I am wrong  
I am right  
I swear I'm right  
Swear I knew it all along  
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well  
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

Slight hope  
dangles on a string  
Like slow spinning redemption...

* * *

_Finished._


End file.
